How To Tell Your Daughter She Deserves Better

Telling your daughter that she deserves better can be a challenging conversation. As her parent, you want to protect her and help guide her towards healthy relationships. Approaching this topic requires empathy, wisdom, and care.

Why she stays in an unhealthy relationship

There are many reasons why women stay in relationships that are unhealthy or even abusive. Your daughter may experience some of the following:

• Low self-esteem – She may not feel worthy of real love or may not recognize her own value. Abusers often chip away at their victim’s self-esteem over time.
• Fear – Your daughter may be afraid of being alone or of what her partner might do if she tries to leave. Threats and intimidation are common control tactics used by abusers.
• Love – Despite the problems, she may still care deeply for her partner or be clinging to the good times.
• Hope – Your daughter may hold out hope that things will get better or her partner will change. Abusers often promise to improve.
• Isolation – Abusers frequently isolate their victims from family and friends. Your daughter may feel like she has no one else to turn to.
• Guilt – Abusers are masters at making their victims feel responsible. Your daughter may feel guilt over not making the relationship work.
• Financial control – Her partner may control all the finances, making it difficult for her to leave.
• Normalization – If the abuse began slowly and progressed over time, it can start to feel normal. The abuse may be viewed as an act of love.
• Children – If children are involved, she may stay to keep the family together or fear losing custody.

Recognizing why your daughter feels trapped is important when attempting to help her.

Have an open, caring conversation

Broaching this delicate subject requires wisdom and care. Here are some tips for having an open and productive conversation:

• Come from a place of love – Make sure your daughter knows you come from a place of caring and concern, not judgment. Avoid criticism of her partner.
• Pick a good time – Choose a time when you are both calm and not rushed. Turn off distractions. Give her your full attention.
• Ask questions – Gently ask how she feels about her relationship. Is she happy? What does she enjoy about the relationship? What troubles her? Listen closely.
• Get her perspective – Try to understand her point of view before sharing your own. Acknowledge her feelings.
• Share concrete worries – Has her partner hurt her emotionally or physically? Have you noticed controlling behaviors or that she seems more isolated?
• Talk about patterns – Point out any cycles of abuse, apologies and promises, threats, and good times. These ups and downs are common in abusive relationships.
• Express your love – Remind your daughter that she deserves to be cherished and respected in a relationship. You want that for her because you love her.
• Offer help – Ask how you can best support her. Offer specific help making a safety plan to exit the relationship, finding counseling, accessing community resources, etc.
• Don’t blame – This conversation should not feel like an attack or lecture. Avoid language that implies blame or shame.
• Give it time – Change takes time. One conversation may plant seeds but not change her mind immediately. Keep communication open.

Why she deserves better

After listening to your daughter’s perspective, you can gently share why you believe she deserves better. Here are key points you can communicate:

• Her value – Remind your daughter of her inherent worth. She deserves unconditional love and respect.
• Healthy love – Describe the difference between healthy and unhealthy love. She deserves a partner who brings out the best in her.
• Encouragement – No one should constantly criticize her or chip away at her self-confidence. She deserves someone who encourages her personal growth.
• Trust – Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect, not control, jealousy and accusations. She deserves to feel trusted.
• Safety – Life is precious. She should always feel safe – never fearful or threatened. Make sure she knows abuse is never justified.
• Equal partnership – True partners empower each other. No one deserves to be dominated, isolated or belittled.
• Family – Remind your daughter her family loves her unconditionally and will help her. She is not alone.
• Freedom – Everyone deserves to pursue their dreams and passions. Controlling partners hold people back from being their best selves.
• Peace – Her home should be a refuge – a place of comfort, security and harmony – not tension and uncertainty.
• Support – She deserves a partner who lifts her up when she’s struggling, not someone who kicks her when she’s down.
• Happiness – Most importantly, she deserves joy. Every day should not be filled with sadness, pain, anger or tears in a loving relationship.

While you cannot force your daughter to leave an unhealthy relationship, communicating why she deserves better can help open her eyes. Be patient, consistent and non-judgmental.

Develop a safety plan

Effectively departing an abusive relationship requires advance planning and support. Developing a comprehensive safety plan empowers your daughter if she decides to leave. Here are key elements to include:

• Pack a bag – Having a packed bag ready with essentials like clothes, toiletries, medication, ID, and cash helps her leave quickly if needed. Store the bag outside the home if possible.
• Important documents – Gathering identification, financial, legal, and medical documents ahead of time is vital if leaving.
• Housing – Lining up alternative, safe housing with family or friends or researching shelters provides options.
• Financial resources – Opening her own bank account, gathering any cash available, and researching financial assistance creates independence.
• Support network – She should reconnect with supportive loved ones and identify who she can call on for help.
• Counseling – Finding a counselor knowledgeable about domestic violence can provide emotional support and guidance.
• Legal help – Consulting a lawyer about steps like obtaining a restraining order helps protect her rights.
• Childcare – If she has children, line up trusted childcare and create a plan to safely take the kids when leaving.
• Transportation – She should have access to transportation not controlled by her partner like a borrowed or rented car.
• Technology – To stay safe when leaving, she may need a new phone number, device, email address, social media accounts, etc.
• Safety during confrontation – Advise her to try to avoid risky places like the bathroom or kitchen if arguing with her partner.

By proactively making a plan, your daughter can exit safely and minimize trauma for herself and any children involved. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has many resources on safety planning.

Find specialized support

Seeking assistance from professionals and organizations focused on relationship abuse can provide the help your daughter really needs. Here are some options to research in your local area:

• Domestic violence hotlines – Confidential hotlines offer crisis intervention, safety planning, counseling referrals and more 24/7.
• Support groups – Support groups allow survivors to share experiences and advice in a safe, anonymous setting.
• Individual counseling – One-on-one counseling with a domestic violence expert helps process trauma and regain self-worth.
• Emergency shelters – Shelters offer temporary safe housing for those fleeing abuse. Most have additional resources.
• Legal assistance – Legal aid organizations and lawyers can help file restraining orders, initiate divorce proceedings, gain child custody, etc.
• Financial assistance – Organizations may provide emergency cash assistance, help finding new housing, loans, and financial literacy training.
• Job assistance – Job training programs, transitional employment, interview coaching and resume help facilitate financial independence.
• Specialized counseling – Programs may address needs like drug/alcohol treatment, mental healthcare, family counseling and support for any children impacted.
• Community outreach – Community centers can connect survivors to social services like healthcare, food banks and educational resources.
• Longer-term housing – Second stage housing offers longer term transitional housing after a shelter stay.

Take time to research reputable organizations, shelters, counselors and programs in your area that can provide tailored assistance to your daughter when she is ready.

Offer ongoing support

Even after your daughter leaves an abusive relationship, she will need consistent support. Make sure she knows you are there for the long haul. Here are some ways to provide ongoing assistance:

• Check in regularly – Set aside time for regular check-ins. Follow her lead, whether she needs to vent, cry or talk through big decisions.
• Encourage counseling – Counseling can help her process the trauma, regain her sense of self and identify healthy boundaries moving forward.
• Help practically – Offer to assist with childcare, housing, transportation, paperwork, moving, finding work and other practical needs.
• Include her – Make sure she remains part of family gatherings and time together. Social isolation makes recovery harder.
• Listen without judgment – Understand that leaving is a process with ups and downs. She may return briefly or take him back. Listen with empathy, not frustration.
• Let her lead – While you can make suggestions, allow your daughter to decide for herself what is best. She needs to regain control.
• Provide encouragement – Remind her how strong and courageous she is. Rebuild her confidence with your belief in her.
• Respect her choices – Even if you disagree with her decisions, make sure she knows your love and support are unconditional.
• Set healthy boundaries – If needed, set boundaries regarding any interactions with her former abuser. Stand firm on keeping her safe.
• Be patient – The effects of abuse last long after leaving. Have patience as she processes, makes mistakes, and slowly heals.
• Suggest counseling for any children – Advocate for counseling to help children impacted process their emotions in a healthy way too.

Your steadfast support and encouragement through good days and bad can empower your daughter to build the life she deserves. Remind her she has people in her corner who love her unconditionally.

Keep trying

The most important thing is to never give up. Leaving an abusive relationship is scary and difficult. Even when she pushes you away or makes decisions you disagree with, resolve to keep lines of communication open.

• Reassure your daughter you are always available to talk and will continue reaching out, even during the hard times.
• Educate yourself on the dynamics of domestic violence so you can provide informed, empathetic support.
• Check in if you know she is at risk of returning to her abuser and gently keep reminding her she deserves better.
• If you feel she is in immediate danger, reach out confidentially to a domestic violence hotline for guidance.
• Seek counseling yourself if you need help navigating this painful situation with your daughter.
• Set an example by valuing your own worth in your relationships.
• Remind your daughter every day how much she is loved so she recognizes her value.

With consistent love and support, she can find the strength to build a new life. Never underestimate the power of unconditional love and your unwavering belief that your precious daughter deserves so much better.