What To Do When Your Daughter Wants To Be A Boy
What to do when your daughter wants to be a boy
Discovering that your daughter wants to live as a boy can be confusing and concerning for many parents. Your child’s gender identity may differ from their gender assigned at birth, and they may be questioning their gender or expressing a desire to transition socially or medically. As a parent, your support can make all the difference during this exploratory process.
The first step is to create an open, non-judgmental space for your child to discuss their feelings and desires surrounding gender. Make it clear you love your child unconditionally, regardless of gender identity. Avoid dismissing their feelings as “just a phase” and instead, listen and ask questions to understand their experiences better.
Some key things to discuss:
- When did they start feeling this way? Understanding the duration and persistence of their feelings can indicate how deeply held their gender identity is.
- How do they want to express their gender? Do they want to use a new name, pronouns, hairstyle, or clothing to reflect their gender? Respecting their wishes validates their identity.
- What does being a boy mean to them? Their feelings may be heavily stereotyped or shallow, signalling more exploration is needed, or profoundly held, signalling a consistent transgender identity.
- How can you support them? Your child likely needs acceptance, validation, and assistance expressing their gender from family.
- Do they experience dysphoria? A disconnect between their gender identity and gender assigned at birth may cause deep distress, anxiety, or depression. Treating dysphoria is crucial for their mental health.
Getting Support from Experts
While this is an important journey to undertake together as a family, seeking outside support can also help your child, you, and other family members understand and come to terms with the situation.
- Mental health professionals like psychologists, therapists, or counsellors who specialize in such issues can help assess your child’s feelings and provide family counselling or referrals to other resources.
- Pediatricians or family doctors can refer you to specialists like endocrinologists, psychiatrists, or gender clinics with expertise in gender identity issues in children and teens.
- Support groups give your family safe spaces to connect with others going through similar experiences and learn from them.
- Books, articles, and websites provide information about family support, social and medical transition, legal issues around documentation changes. PFLAG and Gender Spectrum are reputable resources.
Having knowledgeable, compassionate experts guide you through next steps can reduce feelings of isolation and anxiety. Be cautious of professionals promoting rigid transition protocols or making assumptions about your child’s needs without adequate assessment.
Social Transitioning
If your child consistently identifies as a boy and is distressed by being seen as a girl, beginning social transition can help them live more congruently as their authentic self and relieve dysphoria. Social transition consists of changes like:
- Name – Choose a masculine name your child feels fits their identity. Use it consistently in private and public. Legally changing their name provides affirmation but is not essential.
- Pronouns – Switch pronouns from she/her to he/him when referring to your child. Ask family and friends to do the same. It may take time to adjust habits.
- Appearance – Allow your child to cut their hair short, dress in boy’s clothing, swimsuits etc. if desired. Don’t force exaggerated masculine styles if it makes them uncomfortable.
- Accessories – Obtain a binder to flatten breasts causing dysphoria. Some children feel calmer using a packer in their underwear. Always consult doctors to ensure safe use.
- Activities – Enroll your child in activities aligned with their gender identity like boy’s sports teams rather than girl’s teams.
- Toileting – Provide access to male restrooms or gender-neutral facilities at home and in public to reduce anxiety and safety risks.
The impact of allowing your child to live fully as the gender they identify with provides tremendous relief and validation. Of course, each step should occur at a pace your child feels ready for. Avoid pushing too much change too fast, and communicate with them often about feelings of uncertainty, fear, or doubt that arise. Your unconditional love through it all is vital.
Navigating Public Spaces
For children undergoing social transition, public situations like school, recreational activities, or family gatherings require sensitivity and preparation. As your child expresses their gender more openly, they may encounter:
- Misgendering – Well-meaning folks referring to your child by their gender assigned at birth rather than affirmed gender. Quickly correct people, don’t make a big deal of mistakes, and move on.
- Discrimination – Your child may deal with hurtful comments, bullying, or exclusion by individuals with transphobic attitudes. Vigilantly monitor concerning behavior and advocate for your child.
- Restroom obstacles – Accessing restrooms matching their gender identity may spur objections. Discuss difficulties respectfully but firmly insist on equal treatment.
- Sports hurdles – Eligibility for gendered sports teams may require paperwork or testing. Consult local league policies and appeal unfair decisions.
- Travel complications – Airport security procedures, like body scanners and pat downs, are conducted based on gender markers in IDs and travel documents. Ask for discreet modifications to accommodate your child’s gender identity.
- Oversharing – Well-meaning family or friends may spread your child’s transgender status without consent. Gently remind them to allow your child to share sensitive information themselves.
- Invasive questions – Strangers may bluntly inquire about your child’s anatomy or transgender status. Don’t respond to prying questions. Shift the topic or exit conversations.
Equip your child with strategies for handling difficult situations, like having polite, age-appropriate responses ready. Role-play scenarios at home to build confidence. Ensure their safety always comes first. Finding local resources and families navigating similar terrain provides comfort.
Discussing Transition Options
If your child remains unwaveringly aware they are a boy despite repeated social transition efforts, medical steps may be appropriate after thorough mental health assessment. Only licensed professionals should determine readiness for medical treatment, not parents alone. Typical options include:
Puberty Blockers
- Taken at onset of puberty around ages 8-16
- Pause pubertal development and related dysphoria
- Allow time to explore gender identity without permanent changes
- Fully reversible if discontinued
Hormone Therapy
- Testosterone intake can begin mid-teens
- Develops secondary gender characteristics like facial hair, deeper voice etc.
- Partially reversible but some changes permanent
- Requires parental consent under 18
Gender Affirming Surgeries
- Top surgery – Removal or enhancement of breasts
- Bottom surgery – Alteration of genitals
- Permanent changes to anatomy requiring careful thought
- Typically only conducted post-puberty or 18+
Thoroughly research treatment methods, risks, and long-term implications before supporting medical steps. Not all transgender individuals medically transition – your child’s needs are unique. Maintain open communication regarding their transition desires and only initiate changes they want, not on your timeframe.
Finding Family Support
Learning your daughter identifies as your son can be an adjustment for family. Give relatives ample time to process complex emotions. Seek common ground in your shared love for your child. Useful tips include:
- Educate – Provide family books, articles, documentary screenings, conference calls with your child’s therapist etc. to build understanding of gender identity.
- Discuss boundaries – Be proactive about what information your child wants shared, how to explain it age-appropriately, and any objections you won’t tolerate.
- Address concerns – Acknowledge family’s fears like school bullying, infertility, or transition regret. Share resources that temper worries with facts.
- Involve your child – Have them speak to relatives about their experiences and needs in their own words. Nothing is more impactful.
- Limit contact – Refuse to expose your child to abusive relatives unwilling to respect their identity, even temporarily, until behaviors improve.
- Celebrate milestones – Mark name changes, family events recognizing their transition, starting hormones etc. to signal embracing their authentic self.
With compassion, information, and time, even challenging relatives can learn to support your child. But if efforts fail, prioritizing your child’s mental health may mean limiting harmful interactions. Surround them with family members nourishing their spirit.
Looking Ahead Positively
Learning to see your daughter as your son requires letting go of ingrained assumptions and embracing their inner truths. It can feel daunting or painful at times for a parent. But your child’s happiness and welfare must come first. Each family’s path differs – be guided by their needs, not imposed norms.
Trust that as you walk by their side with unconditional support, their confidence and resilience will grow. Focus on their expanding courage, honesty and self-awareness with pride. Respect their journey of self-discovery, even if the destination differs from your expectations. Share their enthusiasm for reaching a place of wholeness.
The road ahead may have bumps, but many resources exist to smooth the way. With compassion and commitment to upholding your child’s dignity, your family will navigate new terrain. Though transformed, the loving relationship at the heart of your family endures. Keep that bond strong, and have faith your child will thrive living fully as their authentic self.