When A Daughter Hurts Her Mother
Sara stared out the window, watching the rain patter against the glass. She should have felt at peace in her childhood home, but instead, her stomach churned with anxiety. In just a few hours, she would come face to face with her mother for the first time in over a year.
Their last meeting had ended in bitter tears and angry words. Sara accused her mother of being controlling and manipulative, while her mother lashed out in defense. The vicious argument left a gaping wound in their relationship. Sara stormed off and refused to speak to her mother since.
But now, at her brother’s wedding, they would be forced together again. Sara dreaded seeing the pain and disappointment in her mother’s eyes. She regretted the hurtful things she had said, words meant to wound not heal. More than anything, she wished she could take it all back.
As the time drew near, Sara steeled herself. She would apologize and try to make things right again. It would not be easy, but she had to mend this broken bond between mother and daughter. It was time to heal the hurt that lay between them.
As mothers, we pour our heart and soul into raising our daughters, doing our best to provide them with love, care, and guidance. However, there are times when our adult daughters make choices that go against our hopes, dreams, and values for them. This can cause a deep hurt that feels like a betrayal.
Reasons Why a Daughter’s Actions Cut So Deeply
There are several reasons why a daughter’s troubling actions or life decisions can feel so painful for a mother:
- The mother-daughter bond is incredibly close. Mothers and daughters tend to share a very special connection. When that bond of trust is violated, it feels profoundly personal.
- Mothers naturally want to protect their children. When a daughter is making risky or harmful choices, a mom’s protective instincts kick in, causing distress.
- Her actions may reflect on your parenting. Even if this isn’t true, it’s common for moms to feel they did something wrong or could have prevented their daughter’s behavior.
- Mothers envisioned something different for their daughter. It’s painful when the reality does not match the hopes and dreams a mom holds for her daughter’s future.
Recognizing the Daughter’s Perspective
While absolutely valid, a mother’s hurt is just one part of a complicated situation. It’s also important to:
- Remember she is an adult. Even if she’s your child, she has her own free will and is responsible for her choices.
- Consider her viewpoint. Try to understand her motivations and challenges from her perspective, even if you disagree.
- Separate the person from the behavior. Your love and value of her as a person can remain constant, even when you detest her actions.
Steps Toward Reconciliation and Healing
The pain of a broken relationship between a mother and daughter can feel unbearable at times. As a daughter, You know you’ve said and done things that have deeply hurt your mother. And while the damage may run deep, reconciliation is possible if both parties are willing to walk a path of understanding.
The first step is acknowledging the hurt you have caused. Without excuses or finger-pointing, sincerely apologize for the specific ways you know you’ve wounded your mother.
Taking ownership of your actions and words shows maturity and care. I remember the tearful call I made to my mom last year, finally saying I was sorry for the cruel accusations I had thrown at her in an argument.
Next, make an effort to see things from your mother’s perspective. Put yourself in her shoes – consider her background, desires, and point of view. Recognize that as a fellow imperfect human, she has undoubtedly made mistakes but has always loved you.
I started trying to imagine the ongoing pain my words and disregard had made my mom feel. It helped me develop empathy.
Finally, rebuild trust over time through consistency. Regularly check in, show you care, and prove by your actions that you want to mend the relationship. Healing takes patience and persistence.
I now make it a priority to call my mom every Sunday, just to talk about her week and let her share her feelings. It’s gradually bringing us closer again.
With openness, compassion and commitment, a hurtful rift between mother and daughter can be bridged. The effort is well worth it to restore this precious bond.
five ways daughters can hurt their mothers
Here are five ways daughters can hurt their mothers:
1. By Neglecting Her Advice
A daughter hurts her mother by neglecting her advice. Mothers try their best to impart wisdom onto their daughters, but sometimes it falls on deaf ears.
It can be difficult to accept that your daughter doesn’t want to follow in your footsteps, but it’s important to remember that she is her own person.
Respecting her choices and continuing to offer guidance, even if she doesn’t take it, is the best way to show your love as a mother.
2. By Being Unfaithful
When a daughter is unfaithful, it can deeply hurt her mother in several ways. Here are some real-life examples to illustrate the impact of a daughter’s unfaithfulness on her mother:
- Emotional pain: Imagine a mother who has always believed in the strong bond of trust and loyalty within a family. Discovering that her daughter has been unfaithful can be emotionally devastating for her. The mother may feel a profound sense of betrayal, as her daughter’s actions challenge the foundation of their relationship. The trust that was once the cornerstone of their bond is shattered, leading to feelings of sadness, anger, and disappointment.
- Disappointment and failed expectations: A mother often has hopes and dreams for her daughter’s future, envisioning a life filled with love, happiness, and integrity. When the daughter is unfaithful, the mother’s expectations are dashed, leaving her feeling deeply disappointed. The mother may question where she went wrong in raising her daughter, blaming herself for the choices the daughter made.
- Worry and concern for reputation: A daughter’s unfaithfulness can bring about worries and concerns for the mother’s own reputation within their social circles. If news of the daughter’s actions spreads, the mother may feel embarrassed or ashamed, fearing judgment from friends, family, and the community. This can lead to significant distress for the mother, impacting her self-esteem and sense of worth.
- Strained relationship with extended family: The daughter’s unfaithfulness can also strain the mother’s relationship with other family members, especially if they become aware of the situation. Relatives may take sides, leading to divisions within the family. The mother may experience a sense of isolation and loss as a result, as the unity and support she once enjoyed within her extended family may crumble.
- Financial and practical implications: In some cases, a daughter’s unfaithfulness can have practical consequences that burden the mother. For example, if the daughter is involved in an extramarital affair and subsequently faces legal or financial issues, the mother may be called upon to provide support or assistance. This can place an additional emotional and financial strain on the mother, affecting her overall well-being.
3. By Not Visiting
A daughter hurts her mother by not visiting. By not visiting, she is telling her mother that she is not important enough to visit.
This can be very hurtful to a mother who loves her daughter. A mother may feel like she has done something wrong or that her daughter does not care about her.
If a daughter does not visit her mother, it is important to tell her how much she is loved and that she is still important to the family.
4. By Not Returning Phone Calls
A daughter hurts her mother when she does not return phone calls. This can be very hurtful to a mother because it is like a slap in the face. It is like saying, “I don t care about you. If I did, I would call you.” A daughter should return phone calls from her daughter and make time to talk with her. A mother has the right to feel that her daughter is a priority in her life.
5. By Not Taking Care Of Herself
A mother hurts her daughter when she does not take care of herself. This can be physical, emotional, or mental.
- Neglecting physical health: Suppose a daughter consistently neglects her physical health by indulging in an unhealthy lifestyle, such as a poor diet, lack of exercise, or substance abuse. This behavior can lead to various health issues for the daughter, such as obesity, chronic diseases, or addiction. As a result, the mother may become deeply concerned about her daughter’s well-being, constantly worrying about her health and fearing the potential consequences. This worry can cause the mother immense stress, anxiety, and even sleepless nights, as she may feel helpless in her attempts to encourage her daughter to take better care of herself.
- Disregarding personal safety: When a daughter engages in reckless or dangerous behavior, it can deeply worry her mother. For example, suppose the daughter consistently participates in risky activities like excessive partying, driving under the influence, or associating with dangerous individuals. In that case, the mother may live in constant fear for her daughter’s safety. This fear can consume the mother’s thoughts, leaving her in a constant state of anxiety and distress, as she fears receiving a distressing phone call or news about her daughter’s well-being.
- Neglecting responsibilities: If a daughter neglects her responsibilities, such as academics, employment, or financial stability, it can place a significant burden on her mother. The mother might feel responsible for her daughter’s actions and outcomes, leading to increased stress and worry. The daughter’s lack of progress or inability to take care of herself can create financial strain, emotional strain, and potentially strain relationships within the family.