Why Older Siblings Are Sometimes Mean to Younger Ones
It’s Not Always Intentional
As the younger sibling, it can often feel like your older brother or sister is purposely trying to make your life difficult. However, it’s important to understand that this behavior is not always intentional. Older siblings have simply been around longer and often have trouble adjusting to a new family dynamic when a younger child enters the picture. Their acting out frequently stems from feelings of jealousy, loss of attention from parents, or fear that they are being replaced in the family. With some patience and understanding, you’ll come to realize their meanness is often a reflection of their own insecurities rather than a true desire to hurt you.
They’re Testing Boundaries and Limits
Part of growing up involves learning about boundaries, limits, and social expectations. Older siblings are just starting to grasp these concepts, so they will inevitably test limits and overstep boundaries – sometimes at a younger sibling’s expense. Pushing a younger sibling’s buttons allows them to observe cause and effect in a relatively safe environment. They are learning about reactions to their behavior and figuring out where the limits and boundaries lie. As frustrating as it can feel in the moment, it’s a normal part of development. With time and maturity, they will gain a better understanding of societal expectations.
Trying to Get a Reaction
Younger siblings often look up to their older brothers and sisters, wanting attention and play time with them. Older siblings may find this annoying or feel their space is being invaded. Picking on a younger sibling is an easy way to get a reaction when they want attention or entertainment. Negative attention is better than no attention at all in their minds. As siblings get older and can better verbalize feelings and needs for space, this tends to happen less often. But in early childhood, physical and emotional reactions are the easiest ones to provoke.
Feeling Replaced in the Family
Going from being an only child to having a new baby brother or sister can be a big adjustment for an older sibling. They were used to having their parents’ full attention and resources dedicated to them. Then suddenly there is a new child competing for Mom and Dad’s time, energy, and money. Older siblings may feel jealous and resentful of the younger one who seems to have “replaced” them. Acting out against the younger sibling and trying to make them seem less favorable to your parents can seem like a way to regain status in the family. As the older child gets used to the new family dynamic, these feelings typically resolve.
Different Stages of Development
Older and younger siblings are at different developmental stages. A first grader has very different needs and interests than a preschooler. So activities and behaviors that seem fun and normal to a 7-year-old may feel like bullying or torture to a 4-year-old. An older child may not grasp how scary roughhousing or noisy games can feel to someone several years younger. With a few years between them, siblings are essentially living in different worlds perception-wise. As the age gap closes, there is more common ground and less behavior that unintentionally upsets the younger sibling.
How to Cope When You’re the Younger Sibling
Being the younger brother or sister to a mean older sibling can be very challenging. Here are some tips to help you cope when you feel like you’re being picked on.
Set Clear Boundaries
Calmly but firmly let your older sibling know when they’ve gone too far and ask them to stop the hurtful behavior. Say something like “Please don’t call me names, it really hurts my feelings.”
Tell a Parent
If your sibling continues to be unkind after you’ve asked them to stop, get some backup by telling a parent or trusted adult. They can reinforce your boundary and discipline your sibling.
Spend Time Apart
Go play somewhere else or find an activity to do solo. Taking a breather from each other helps diffuse tension. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Take the High Road
Avoid stooping to your sibling’s level by teasing or calling them names in retaliation. Kill them with kindness and maybe they’ll start being nicer!
Focus on the Positives
Reflect on the fun times or happy memories you share together. Siblings have a unique lifelong bond, even if it’s challenging in the early years.
Have Understanding
Consider that they may be acting out of jealousy, insecurity or a desire for attention. Hurting others’ feelings is never justified, but may help explain their behavior.
With time and maturity, your sibling is likely to grow out of this mean phase and become a lifelong friend. Having patience and showing compassion from the younger sibling role can help speed this process. If meanness persists for years or becomes abusive though, be sure to involve parents, school counselors or social workers.